Log in

Teito, you need to let me know how your progress is going with the housing issue. The sooner we move, the better. I'm tired of living so close to everyone else.

(What the hell is that?! Is that a heartless?!)


I know I was leaving in "a blaze" as someone put it, but there are more important things to deal with.

Firstly. Teito, you and I are going to find somewhere else to live with more space. I'm going to have to find a different job while I still have time on vacation. We no longer need to be living in a dump and we need to be discreet about where we're moving. So I need you to go out start looking around. I hate treating you like an errand boy - and that's when you're going to be looking, on errands - but it's for the overall good. So next time you go out, let me know; I'll give you some money, go out and get groceries, and I want you to look for places we can move to. I feel the need to reiterate: be discreet. Don't let anyone get the hint that you're looking for a place to stay. Also, never mention my name in public. As far as you know, I went on vacation. If possible, deny knowing me. Make up something. You're smart.

Secondly. Vexen. I was quite serious about moving in. You will be helping me with Teito's "errands." Come over one day and we'll discuss about living conditions. Believe me, I'd rather take my chances with the stupid snake, too; but I'd also rather put up with you than die. I'm sure you understand to some extent. I'm forcing you into this, by the way; so I thought in exchange for you not having a choice about what happens, I thought I'd give you the choice about where it happens. I'll be as reasonable as I can. I'm not a total prick, despite what you may think, and I'm willing to postpone our arrangements, if you understand.

Thirdly. For anyone else, although I doubt a lot of people will be looking at this (where the hell did everyone go, anyways?)...
Basically: we're all screwed. So we need to work together or we're going to die while being screwed, which is rather unpleasant, believe me.

Also, has anyone noticed a weird change with the patrons? Mine is being unusually distant and quiet; apparently he has no choice. What's up with this?
Maybe I've just been lonely? I can't seem to stop drinking. It's becoming addicting. It doesn't actually help but it's a lot better than sleeping, because at least when I'm drunk I can't properly comprehend Vulcan's wired ramblings. He seems extra pissy as of late, which makes sense, but all the same it gets on my nerves. I don't feel like dealing with it.

I hate being falsely accused. It's not my fault if people misinterpret what I say, do, or how I live. It's not even my fault if they're persistent in a belief concerning me, whether true or not; but it still bothers me. It's a grand pisser when it's someone I trusted. I don't feel like trusting anymore. I'm tired of it, and I'm tired of people being asses.

You want to think I'm some sort of whore and I treated you like one, fine with me. You go ahead and do that. It's just your business now, not mine anymore. It doesn't need to be mine anymore. Screw this. Screw everyone. Screw myself.

There comes a time when everyone has to let go.

I guess it's my turn.


I hear the Resurgam is back up, so here I am! *pose*

I will have a lot of schoolwork to do, as well as some church things and some other personal things... but I'm back in the game and I am ready for action! Nyaahhhh woohhh rahhh yeeeaahhh~! :3


:D Merry Christmas everyone!


I feel sad. D: So very sad. Where is everyone? This place is deserted now that Dem-mun has just... dissipated into thin air.

I have schoolwork to do but it's not getting done. I had a post I wanted to put here on the logs, but it's not getting done. I had plans for church! and youth projects! but they aren't getting done. ._. I can't seem to get anything done. I'm normally pretty blah during the holidays anyways, especially Christmas (it's the most wonder87)@*($U!JKful time of the year...); this year is just.. extra worse. D: My last boyfriend's anniversary (he's an ex now) is...well... on Christmas! lol. And I was looking forward to spending it with my buddy, but he has to be at his place for Christmas... doing nothing but be ignored! Sort of like what I'm doing to do, since my family doesn't celebrate at all! So it's going to be pretty lonely. I'm going to lose my mind if it snows. I love snow, but I hate sharing it with... noone.

On that note, I'm really lonely. When I feel the desperate need to talk to someone, even you guys XD! ... no one is there! I wake up in the mornings feeling depressed because I'm so used to someone coming over everyday now, and no one is there anymore. He's gone. ;~;

But the trip was awesome! That's one reason that I've been MIA; I'd been hanging out with my friend and I knew my time was limited, so I enjoyed myself while I could. Now it's back to the major grind of school, school, church, school, and crying. XD I've been sobbing nonstop, lol...

Moving onwards; I'll be busy the next month or so, probably; but I'll be on MSN and AIM so feel free to IM me up anytime you'd like! Sora~ You're always welcome to call me, but I'll let it be known that I no longer can receive calls for free if I'm not in my peak hours or whatever you call it (free hours) now. So if you want to call, make sure it's like.. 11-8 your time, or weekends! Or keep the call short, that works too. x) ...unless you have Verizon. That's what I have. :D So Vrzn-Vrzn = free $!... I mean, free!

Anyways I just wanted to post and rant because I'm really bored and lonely and ... well... going insane so I thought I'd get my literary juices at its minimum flow. XD

>> I need ideas for an RP forum/site. Rrrr...

Dec. 19th, 2007

If anyone needs me, I'm at work most of the time now. I'm getting munny like mad! Women are always a plus, too.

That being said, the only downside to this is that I keep having Vulcan nightmares. It's not all that amusing or even intriguing anymore. I want him to go away. I suppose no one has found out anything about their patrons or shit yet?

Anyways, I'm off to work again. Just thought I'd see if the brat was at my house. Guess not. Oh well.


I anm sok cdrujnk erithgnt now thaIK'm senig trjipoles of efveryhtign!Q!Q1 Infact iit's's soi hbard tio tyhpe proreply;/ bujt I don;'t dcarfe!!@

bUT I'gve beeen atf thniws one ;olacer. IK' thniknk that I'b ve becdojme a svftgalker? Peopgle alwayhs say thnat stgfaolkikn g iks b ad bujtf it'sx qikol.te fuin actguallyh! Thnis b0oyh is sol cujtfe I can't henlp myhself, butg I can't ledt hikm kn low thnat IK've been stgalk,kingv hni,m! I<Kt's jujst I thniknk he hnates jme forf sujrfe and then therfe's myh chnildhnood crujshn... wsait, not childhnood, but ye3ahn that crkush; I don't want to disappoint him or anything....

I nsdeed molre alchnol RFINHT NOW.

Nov. 19th, 2007

I hate this new life. I couldn't despise it anymore than existing being dead. Not to say I'm taking for granted anything (which, come to think of it, is nothing different than before when I wasn't ALIVE); but this life just sucks. The patrons are stupid. What was wrong with being a Nobody? What was wrong with being wiped out? It would have happened eventually anyways - everyone seems to have forgotten that. Whether Nobody or eventually alive with our hearts back, we would have vanished. You can't prove me wrong, I swear. If you can, I'll give you a blowjob, so I suggest you don't because I figure the ones who can prove me wrong don't want my offer coming to pass.

But I hate this life. There has to be something more to this than there already is. There's no purpose! Even if I accomplish something great, we all can't go on living forever - even the future people (what a stupid way to put it.) They'll die after I die, sure maybe some people will reap beneficial comfort from something I've done. Say I cure AIDs for the hell of it. So, maybe I get to relish in that. Maybe some other fags dont' get AIDs. Then they all die and they might as well have had AIDs because they would have died quicker that way - and they probably got raped (and the person who raped them got away with not having AIDs as punishment!)

I don't want to be here. I might go away a while, and none of you could convince me otherwise or stop me. There's no point in it. People move on anyway. Who cares? You'd all be happy if I kicked the bucket, so to speak.

Ch. I'm going to work. Maybe I can get laid or drunk there.

What the hell?

"When your grip slips, I am your friction - but not your foothold.
You must find your own strength.

When your confidence drops, I am the bottom of your pit - but not your net.
You must find your own reach.

When your destitution overwhelms you, I am your rest - but not your answer.
You must find your own solution.

When your hope has been caged, I am your bars - but not your escape.
You must find your own key.

When your solitude has defeated you, I am your company - but not your desire.
You must find your own peace.

When your beliefs have failed you, I am your reassurance - but not your replacement.
You must find your own substitution.

When your heart has finally sunk, I am the water - but not your ship.
You must find your own life."

He was just standing there over the bodies with the wisest face I have ever seen, but there was utter insanity in those eyes. This was unlike anything anyone has ever seen, I swear. I wanted to get away but I couldn't, and that's the first time I've ever been really disturbed by him. It was as if a curse had been set on my breathing. By promising all this he promises me to do nothing.

I need to get away from here.

These dreams are insane.


The butcher decided not to hire me. He was frantically insistent about finding someone less "less interested in sharp objects." What a pussy. I hate handling meat anyways.

So I went further in town and found somewhere I like better. I'm going to be a BARTENDER! I'm going to woo the audience with tricks... maybe. I also will gain rights to perform on stage. This is going to be interesting. I wonder if I have to strip?


So I got rid of the kid in my apartment. Teito's with me now. I plan on taking him shopping one day. I wonder if he likes cheesecake?

I'm so bored. Entertain me, someone, before I visit you guys - and we all know how much we'd hate that.


You know, if you guys felt the overwhelming need to gain information, you can come to my apartment and ask. We are capable of holding a relatively civilized conversation; you don't have to behave like homicidal defective barbarians. Not that I would know the definition of this large, sophisticated vocabulary. It's not like I'm trying to gain your respect or admiration; that'd be creepy. You guys are full of shit enough.

That aside, I have been thinking.

I feel like I've been losing my edge. Feelings get in the way of a majority of things. I'm functioning nearly the same, yet I have more precautions to take to ensure that I'll be victorious in battle. Before, I could still die - but I wasn't really alive, so it didn't matter much to me. I still had incentives, but it didn't drive me as much as it does now. I'm going insane over having a heart. I dare to say that I almost wished I didn't have one. It was easier then; less complicated; I could believe I would feel how I thought about what I thought, not the other way around (if that makes sense).

I discovered it's possible to be obsessed with something even without having a feeling for it. That's rather awkward, isn't it? Everyone knows how obsessed I was with Roxas, how hellbent I was on getting his attention and his alone. I thought I had finally overcome that obsession, but it was merely a matter of tying myself to another distraction. I regressed, I guess.

Battle was always a distraction. It served a purpose; satisfied my obsession for blood and to hone my element (which, needless to say, I wouldn't mind brushing up on - just too much risk of being caught here). The Organization was a distraction; not a pleasant one, mind you, but one that's become an addiction. Obsession and addiction are similar, but different; you need an addiction to continue your existence, although obessions can turn into addictions. Are they necessities?...

Demyx was a distraction. Not a bad distraction - a good one - but one that's left me insane and confused. I arranged to meet with him and I don't really understand why. I'm not ready for it. I don't know how I'm going to get out of this without doing something stupid; I probably will overreact or fuck up somewhere, but then again I suppose that's just my nature. A fuck-up. That's what everyone said, anyways; not that I cared then, but now that I have feelings, it's a little different. I care even less, but it makes me self-conscious about other things now. I don't know about this. I don't conduct thinking well enough to be productive. I'm just blabbering.

But was he really a distraction? I thought I was learning how to utilize - I might as well be a scientist now for this - a heart and its functions, how to understand it better, how to be more familiar with it; but I was wrong. The heart is so finnicky and so untamed, and it's different in every person. My heart isn't in things other people can't do without. I know understand the meaning of that, and I hate knowing it. I wasn't stupid before, despite how I presented myself to the general public, but I feel self-loathing considering this newly discovered knowledge I am experiencing (not being given to me, no: experiencing).

I was borderline psychotic back in the Organization; I guess we're still around, too. So back when, I was borderline psychotic. Now, I'm not sure I'm borderline anything but dead. Thinking is inevitable and I can't stop no matter what I do; the cravings are the same way; Roxas and Demyx are the same way. They weigh most heavily on my mind and I can't get rid of it. I don't want to get rid of it; I want to get rid of the feelings that accompany these thoughts. They are not the source of it themselves, but they have a knack of triggering the most horrifying memories.

Is this what it's like to be human? I hate it. Humanity can go fuck itself. People can show interest and feign concern but all in all, humanity is a selfishly driven hellhole, and I don't think I'll ever see it otherwise. My opinion of it might differ between individuals, but society in general can be destroyed for all I care for it now.

The little boy that took me in, I'm going to kill him. I'm going to eradicate his existence and I'm going to take pleasure in this. I don't break contracts, but we never technically had one, did we? I'll wipe him out and I'll hope his friends are there so I can hear their screams. I want to obliterate everything. I just want my lovers. I just want to rest. This is making me an insomniac, too, and I feel like I"m hallucinating.

Hallucinating - or am I dreaming? Vulcan's come to me several times, and in the last entry I didn't waste my time putting something that would make me look stupid in it. But if everyone else is seeing it, there's a good probability that either mankind is being infected with some sort of drugged-up plague, or that it's, in fact, true and happening. Crazy things. A god, Vulcan; fire, blood, chaos; a guardian, a patron; a ward. I have no idea what the hell this all is supposed to mean. A second chance, you said, Demyx; I don't know if I believe you or not. I want to believe you; I want to trust you - but feelings, they're tricky, because I think I'm paranoid. I'm afraid to believe or trust you - to trust anyone, and without trust belief is difficult. Could it be said that if you don't trust yourself, you can't believe in yourself, or some crap like that? I don't screw around with minds, everyone else did. It was a game to them. I did it just because I felt like it, not because I enjoyed it. I never intended to mentally warp someone (but look at myself).

When I get a chance to be alone, I'm going to wreck everything. I don't care if I live in an apartment. I can move in with someone else and do it all over again, or I can just go on the street. Nothing stops me. Even if someone cared they aren't strong enough to stop me. I've discovered that when the heart acts, it's a matter not of will, strength, knowledge, or experience; it's a matter of how strongly each heart believes in what it's going to do. I don't know what I'm going to do or what I believe in, but I know if I don't get out of here - if I don't get some peace of mind, or if I don't find a way to get back to what I'm used to - I'm going to lose it all.

None of this makes sense anymore.

This is all BULL.

All is bull, including this journal. But, as I am confident there is no chance that anyone would be invading my privacy anytime soon, and considering that I have no other means to communicate to anyone, I'll vent here.

I've landed on this god-forsaken island which evidently is the very island that Sora lived on before. What is more disconcerting is that Roxas is part of Sora, or the other way around, whichever you fancy it; my obsession lived on this island! This is not only exciting but it is also horrifying. I'm not sure how to feel about the island in general. Well, islands, as I've discovered; there are various connected portions of land here and there.

I inquired around the mainland and found a place where I can earn some savings. Bluntly put, these won't be savings, but they will save me. They will be enough to get me a decent place to stay, while the island will be my peace-of-mind, or a hideout. I feel like an infant speaking about these sort of things, but again, I'm "confident there is no chance that anyone would be invading my privacy anytime soon". If nothing else, I can burn this contraption and no one will ever know it existed.

But that aside, something weird happened. A little kid approached me after I looked into a job. He said his parents had died recently and that his guardian was moving out. He didn't have anyone to help him, and he needed help. Now normally I'm not so sympathetic to these situations, but this kid didn't look very old and he definitely didn't look like he was lying. You don't dress like a hobo when you're lying about these things, normally, I suppose. Then again, people normally don't approach me for help. Anyways, I allowed him to guide me to his apartment a ways off (and believe me, it was a long walk). Child or not, I asked him what he had to offer me.

So we struck a deal. He explained that his guardian was still going to pay the rent and schooling tuition, but that was all he was doing until the kid was old enough to support himself. That sounded odd to me, but later on when I investigated this information on my own, it proved to be true. The kid went on to say that considering that limited income, if I would put food on the table and protect him from bullies, then he would let me stay there and that he wouldn't charge me any rent or harass me (or even go through my stuff). He would grant me a private place - my own room - that was in the back of the apartment, where I wouldn't be disturbed unless he felt the need to come in and bug me. He could do errands for me if I helped him with homework (I considered this hesitantly as I don't recall any schooling of my own, but having a local, even a kid, willing and able to do my stuff was appealing). Finally, if he brought any friends over, I had to put up with them; in return he would acquire some music for me (he had discovered I found interest in his CD collection said guardian had left behind).

We had an agreement. I agreed to stay at the kid's apartment for basically no fee, get myself a job, buy myself food and share it when necessary, and have a little slave boy.  It was better than trying to find my own place to stay, having to suffer through boring conversation and paperwork, and risk meeting any potential threats.

I also found that the kid had a computer. It wasn't the kind that I'd seen going through the masion basement a while ago. That seems so long... But, it seemed more compact. He called it a laptop. It was portable, but it did virtually the same thing, so I call it a computer. On it, he introduced me to this journal, to "e-mail", and to "IM". I'm completely unfamiliar with all of this, and I don't care ,but he called it invaluable information (well, the "internet", which all of this is on...). I like information, so I'll keep it in handy.

Moving on, secondly: I actually caught sight of Roxas Sora. No, he's not Roxas anymore. The Roxas I know was long gone a long time ago, before I myself died. On that note, I'm not exactly sure how I'm here. Naturally I didn't give it much thought intially as, since I'm here, I'm here; but as a day or so went by and I found myself with lack of anything else to do, I got to thinking. I'm unnerved as to why I exist. I don't feel like I actually exist, but that could be my imagination toying with me because I've been so used to not having a heart. Just like you hear from people that when you get used to something, it's almost impossible to forget what it's like, or being uncomfortable or almost unable to live without it. Like a prisoner who escapes after years, or a person who beats an illness after half their life is gone, or someone who's been abused or addicted to something for some time. It's hard to fight off those sort of feelings. I would know. I'm dealing with several of them myself. What sort of feelings... I don't feel at ease enough to put it here.

Maybe I don't trust the journal. I don't trust anyone or anything (for the exception of Kumitachi and Kumisen, my chakrams, and that's an odd thing to put faith and trust in) anymore. Maybe it's the kid. He knows how to manipulate the computer better than I do. Maybe I haven't come to terms with this yet.

Either way, I'm going to have to get used to life on this island for a while. I don't know where I am. If I'm correct with the information I had gathered before dying (what a strange thing to say), the worlds might not be connected anymore. If they are, well, I wouldn't know; I'm not going to waste my time "sailing off on a raft" to see other worlds. What happens if I reach the end of the water? Do I just bump into a void and die, or get repelled back into the island waters? Do I go around and around? It's not something I feel like I want to think about. If I'm stuck here, I'll make do with what I have. If I have to be stuck here, I'm going to succeed at being stuck here and succeed at being well-off.  Screw poverty. Screw the kid, really; it just makes my time easier.

I'm supposed to gain a job at a butcher's shop somewhere downtown. I don't remember where it is, but I'll find it again. Once I get a job there, I'll start making money, and hopefully I can pick up someone to get me laid. It's been a while.

I miss the people I used to be with... literally. I miss Roxas and I miss Demyx especially. If I'm here, does that mean they're here? I'm not ready to face the answers to this yet, but hopefully I'll be able to hold my own if I meet either one of them face to face. Probably wouldn't happen with Roxas - now Sora, maybe - but still. I suppose this applies to the rest of the Organization (are we even an Organization anymore? who knows, after what's happened; I'm supposed to be dead, and I'm not - are they in the same position?) Even as much as I hated her, if I saw Larxene, I'd probably piss myself in shock. It's hard to let people go after you've been with them a while. I guess, even if you hate them, you don't forget them.

I'm tired and I'm lazy. I don't want to think anymore. I'm going to go sleep and then hunt down the location of that butcher's shop. Maybe he'll let me use the knives right off. Heh.



Latest Month

March 2008


RSS Atom
Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Lilia Ahner